Naming Dreams, Kinda of..

I know I haven't written in awhile, but really I did not know it has been since February!! Where has the time gone?

Time did not get lost, I did.



I got lost in the land of "what ifs" and "should haves" and "to scared to".

Then my son missed 20 days of school, let's just all of March! Surgery, strep, and a virus all rolled into one..at least it seemed it all happened at the same time!

And before I knew it the school had ended and here I am, still lost, but climbing out of fear.

Such a small word, fear, but oh the mess it can cause.

I have this idea of what I think God is calling me to do, actually it is more than an idea and it has been confirmed more than once...it is what I am being called to do...but.. (yes another small word that causes darkness to settle)

Don't get me wrong, I haven't just been idle all this time stewing on the risks and the reality of being unequipped..I have stepped out...just really small steps! And now, well, now I know it is time to stretch and reach for the larger steps. The ones that make your brow fill with beads of sweat and have you question "why on earth did I just do this?" I am sure you know the kind I am talking about...risks..stepping out in faith, being obedient even when it doesn't make sense.

So many times, I have started to write only to close the computer and say.."no body wants to read your pity party, or how you constantly question what is the right thing to do.."

But today, I was re-reading Ann Voskamp's book and a light bulb went off! In the middle of chapter 3, she talks about naming things and writing them down...and in doing so gives them back to God who created it in the first place...giving thanks!

I should write, not because someone is reading it or not, but because in putting pen to paper (or fingers to key board) I am naming my God-given dreams and giving thanks even if they don't make sense at the moment. And in writing, you can "see"and it is no longer in the shadows, light can shine on it, whatever it is, and all things can begin to take shape in the light.

God has given me a dream, one with many parts, and I am starting small but I am stretching and reaching and praying. And as a pastor once said, "We can spend all our time on our knees praying, but if we don't get up and walk forward, we may never see the prayer answered!"

So, today, I am naming and giving thanks and walking forward...

Finding REAL love...

This is a re-post, but it fits nicely with the Jam this week...at least I think so!

Team Jesus

Okay, so I will admit that I have read the Twilight series and am keeping up to date on the movie releases..however this is NOT about Twilight...it is about finding out someone has a CRUSH on you!!!

I am one of the girls who has always dreamed of "the man" who sweeps you off your feet, will fight to the death for you...you know exactly what I am talking about if you are a hopeless romantic too!! (The fact is I think all women are looking for this, even if they don't want to admit it!!)

The problem is that Hollywood has never failed at making us drool over some character to the point we think the actor playing the character is one in the same {insert any and all male actors who play a romantic hero} ...not only that but they start targeting us at such an early age, when we are just starting to fantasize about Mr. Right!!

I know... I fell young and hard to the lie that there was a man that could match all expectations, even if some of those expectations where as lofty as the clouds.

I came from a loving family. I KNEW that I was loved, that God loved me and I had a great Daddy who not only loved all of us kids, but adores my Mom! Still, by the time I was 16, I so wanted to BE loved...what I really wanted (hindsight is great by the way)was to be the object of some one's desire..what made them want to get up in the morning, to lay down their life for me...anyone know what I am talking about??

So at 18, I was naively honest with someone about my romantic self and I started in a relationship that was not the best for me...I soon got married and then divorced shortly after that...the WHOLE relationship lasted less than 6 years!!

The funny thing, I still wanted to find that person who could/would fit into MY vision!!

Do you remember the movie BRAVEHEART? Well, I was in the movies, with the person I was currently in a relationship with, and made the comment that I wanted the love and commitment that was displayed in that movie, (searching for and hoping for the answer I wanted...) he proceeds to say, in a "matter of fact" way, "you won't be getting that from me"...I left that movie totally crushed.

So another relationship ended and I was broken more this time than the first one in which I had actually been married!!

GOD is good! And HE sent me someone, who does not think the world revolves around me, but..loves me like no other. We have been married for over 13 years and are still acting like it is our honeymoon!

I throw that in there because the truth is I still have yearned for that "object of desire" feeling from someone about ME!! That was until Sunday...

So, my husband has been traveling..a lot, and I was in need of some time without kiddos, and the newest movie in the Twilight series has been out for two weeks...so I went all by myself to see it. All those thoughts of being that object of desire for someone surfaced again, but differently than as a naive teenager. I know now that expectations are sometimes lies told by the enemy to keep us from the great stuff God has in store for us; and I know that I am truly happily married, so what was with all the old desires surfacing???

Well, as I was driving home and hashing out my thoughts...God started playing HIS own love story in my mind...and guess what...I AM HIS OBJECT OF DESIRE!!! I almost had to pull the car over...

I am the reason Jesus was born and came to live among us
I am the reason Jesus died on the cross for sins of ALL mankind
I am the reason Jesus kicked some evil booty
I am the reason Jesus rose again on the third day
I am the reason Jesus WILL COME AGAIN!!!!

And the best part, YOU are HIS object of desire too!!!

I don't know where you are right now, today...but it has taken me all this time to 'get it' that God wants us so much more than we want him!!

And now that I have gotten that message loud and clear...I have the silliest grin on my face!!

GOD HAS A CRUSH ON ME!!!

Won't you let HIM have one on you too?



Click here to read more about finding that TRUE love!!

UPSIDE/DOWNSIDE

Over the years I have learned that being surrounded by fellow 'walkers of the WAY', has been both a blessing and a struggle. (You noticed that I did not say 'Christians'...I strongly feel that label leaves lots to be desired...many claim to be, but their actions speak louder than their words...I am talking about people who REALLY believe what they believe and their lives SHOW it!)



Take for instance on Tuesday, like most of the United States, it was snowing...to make a long story short, on the way to school we hit a slick spot and did a 180 into a snow bank! That afternoon after all was fixed and done, I was looking for people to join me in my pity party...this is where the struggle comes in...

Every single person I spoke with that day quickly pointed out how we were blessed that day!! True, we were very blessed...no damage to the car, to us or to other cars...had the money to get 4 new tires...my daughter did NOT have a panic attack during or after the ordeal...handled it all with my husband out of town...my mother-in-law spent time with me that morning while I calmed down

BUT...I really wanted to break down and cry and complain that my husband was out of town, we have gotten more than our fair share of snow


(Minnesota, I know there is suppose to be snow...but not non stop!),
and I was far away from MY family!

My own Daddy was on the blessings band wagon too!!

Funny isn't it?? How we can always point out the blessings when we are walking in the LIGHT!

If I wasn't surrounded by this great group of people (my parents included), this little incident could have blown way out of proportion .... look at what the enemy would have loved to have happened...

I could have held a grudge against my husband for "having to travel" instead of being thankful for a job = a breaking down of my marriage

I could have spent the day playing the "what if" game and gotten too scared to drive in the snow again which is not practical considering where I live = anxiety and depression

I could have totally lost it instead of pointing out how well my children handled the situation = words that cause brokenness instead of love and growth

I could have refused to see my mother in law simply because she is not my mom = not allowing GOD to work in or use someone

The enemy wanted to have a hay day with me on Tuesday, but GOD had other plans!!

So even if it is annoying to have the blessings pointed out to you when all you want is a pity party, remember who is throwing the pity party!!

Walk in the LIGHT and in ALL THINGS give THANKS and PRAISE...we are!!

Expectations

Well, if you have been reading my blog, you know that I fell short of the 40 days. Which in hindsight is okay, because "I" got in the way, again.

The Spirit cannot place HIS words here if I continue to make it about me. The closer it got to my sister's heaven day, the more I wanted/needed something inspiring for me!! So, when I sat down to write, nothing came...and then life happened..

My world came crashing down little by little and I lost sight of who is in control!

My youngest started weekly appointments and then medication was added.
The mission trip planned for the week between Christmas and New Year's was canceled, by my husband due to violence in the area.
The stress of a "traditional" Christmas looming...

I felt like every thing I was hoping for was being flushed away is one swoop of HIS hand. Which of course was far from the truth, as it usually is!!

My youngest is learning life lessons to carry her through adulthood and I am learning about myself as well. (and now finally getting much needed sleep!)

The airfare for the mission trip was used to fly to Texas for a surprise Thanksgiving with my family!!



And my husband and I truly are getting on the same page about changing our celebrations of Christmas, slow steps but steps together!

AND most importantly, I have learned that what we expect and having expectations are two very different things.

Expecting something, like going on the mission trip, I had already planned what would happen, how God would move and what my response would be...

On the other hand, simply expecting means that I am open to HIS leading and excited about how He MIGHT move and HOW He will grow me in the process!

Expectations should equal excitement, not disappointment.

It all goes back to having faith like a child....even if a child know what might happen during a certain event or planned trip, they are still excited even if things don't go as planned...they have no preconceived ideas or plans or wants. They live the moment and enjoy the ride!! AND their expectations are always met and exceeded!

So my goal this year, is to live expectantly, not expecting!

Here to all of HIS expectations for us being fulfilled!!



Happy New Year!

Storms, Scars, and Healing

It is crazy snowing outside, but there is not a sound to be heard..

The peace in the storm.

Life is like that isn't it? Storms come in the quite and we are taken off guard. We wake and find that the world is not like it was when we went to bed. Even when you are aware of the approaching storm, you are still taken by surprise.

Then there are the storms that just refuse to go unnoticed and leave deep marks(scars) so that their destruction is never forgotten.

Sin is a storm raging wild, sometimes quietly and sometimes brazenly, always leaving scars.

Scars as a reminder not to travel that way again. Scars bearing witness for the forgiven to share the good news. Scars that paid the ransom for my life.



Jesus bore the sin of the world so that we may live. My scars are the reason HE has his. HIS scars have saved me!!

I get lost in the storm and forget the peace of HIM who has set me free. I allow the storm to overwrite the scars that will never be overwritten. I believe the lie that the storm will may not pass, and if it does pass, the damage will be to severe to begin again.

The snow helps me remember that HE washes all things white as snow!!

Watching the world come alive after the rain does the same thing!!

Are you in a storm right now? Look for the washing and believe!!

Cleaning Closets (not what you think)

Clash of the Titans comes to mind..

A battle raging, hearts breaking and a feeling of losing control.

I revisit here.

A friend of mine described grief as a closet in the hallway, a closet you store lots of things in. Boxes upon boxes neatly and tightly packed in. Once in a while a box will fall out, sometimes two, and you put them back in with no problems. But then, there are those times when the door flies open and every last little item comes sprawling out. And each thing requires looking at and slowly storing it away again.

This is that time. Not as messy as in past years, but messy just the same.

It doesn't help that I am far away from family or that my little brother is moving to AFRICA for FOUR years or that because of finances I cannot hop on a plane and hug my parents when ever I want!!!

So, I have been having a pity party...they are lonely because no one else wants to come.

Jesus didn't have pity parties when he was so far from home.

Jesus didn't sit and wait when he couldn't just hop on a cloud and hug his Dad.

Jesus invited friends to walk with him.

Do you have a closet?

Don't sit alone, invite Jesus to sort with you and you may find that during the sorting you find joy in the most unusual places.

Halloween

So, today is Halloween. This time of year was the last time I visited with my sister before she was placed in a coma due to multiple organ failure.

It is hard for me to be excited about Halloween for many reasons, the one above in particular.

Every year since, I have used Halloween as an outreach project...my sister would approve.

See she spent her "good" days during her hospital stay reaching out to those in other rooms who were alone and introducing them to Jesus.

I place Bible verses on the candy I hand out...sometimes I have attached tracs, and one year I had my kids hand thank you notes to every house they visited with a Bible verse inside! People are coming to the door anyway, why not send them home with a little hope!!

It is not much, and most probably get thrown away...but someone is reading them first...a sliver of light is breaking in the dark places. And the smallest of light can shatter the most sturdiest of walls!!

Have a safe Halloween and spread some LIGHT into the darkness!