Messy Days

The calendar has turned five pages since the last time I placed words on a screen.

It seems like forever ago, and at the same time, only yesterday.

Life gets messy when we get honest with ourselves and God. Hours turn to days, days into weeks, and weeks into months.

Winter darkness lends a hand with the slipping of days, being stingy with the sun light and more than generous with the biting cold wind.

My year named "strength", ended with me using every bit of strength I had to admit that I needed medical help. Depression's equally sinister sister, Anxiety, decided to take over. What I presumed to be depression was actually anxiety...very tricky thing...they go hand in hand and mirror each other well!

My new year, I call "endurance". The old language would call it "long suffering". My favorite definition is "patient power"...we could all use that!! When God gave me this word, I first thought it was just me going with the next common thing after strength. But HE was faithful and revealed it three different times, using three different avenues, each one louder than the previous one. I love how HE is so patient with us when we keep asking, "Are you sure?"

The medicine is helping. I am grateful...my husband is grateful...my children are thankful I am not so angry all the time.

Life is still hard.

Ailing parents a thousand miles away, a dog with cancer, a husband who is bored and still trying to maneuver our way through the financial/housing mess.

Just the other day, my husband tells me that the attorney we have been working with, for over a year, can no longer help us because he doesn't handle cases like ours. We have to start over. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??  I have just reached to heaven and yelled "LORD!", and as I am falling back onto the couch a sound like a cynical/manic laugh comes out of my mouth. Instantly I am reminded what this year is called and I smile weakly. God has his ways and they are not my ways.

Each day I choose...choose to let Anxiety win or choose to TRUST in HIM who knows my days for he has made each one. Some days I don't choose well. Some moments I don't choose well. Most days I ask for more faith to choose HIM. This is messy but honest. The enemy has used this against me and will try again in the form of shame and guilt. Each day. Patient Power. Endurance.

This is how I follow Jesus. Each day, sometimes messy, sometimes the sun shines so bright and I laugh so hard...it is wonderful!!

He gives me the promise of spring and of a new life...I am counting on that promise! So I continue to follow, messy.