This is how I feel.
This is why I have not written in over a year.
No one wants to read about being broken, at least that is what the voice in my head has been saying. And then I read what Bonnie wrote. She had courage to write about being broken, and I was encouraged and challenged to do the same.
Though, I still would rather keep hiding and waiting for the brokenness to heal.
You see, I am really good at hiding, I have done it all my life.
I have hidden behind a smile when I really wanted to scream and cry. I have hidden my disappointments with "it's okay, it really didn't mean that much to me anyway". I have hidden my sins in deep dark caverns. I have hidden my dreams in those same caverns because, really, most of my dreams are broken too. I have gotten lost a time or two in my caverns. Lost, not really, hiding there, yes. But being in the dark for too long makes you feel lost. And things getting twisted and turned around. Lies start to sound like truth. And, well, sometimes I am not sure anyone cares, really. So I stay hidden.
When life demands it, I pull out a small mirror and show a reflection of light...a smile, a kind word, a "can do" attitude.
But lately, even my mirror is showing cracks...
And I am feeling exposed. My hiding places aren't safe anymore.
This is what some call the working of the Holy Spirit. The refining fire. The Dark Night of The Soul...an awareness of being completely vulnerable and alone.
When all falseness is being torn away and sin and shame are put in their rightful place.
It sounds great, but the reality is harsh, glaring and uncomfortable.
Not many travel here, some seek it, some start but turn away when it gets hard, and others, like myself, are lead here unknowingly until they are in the thick of it and there is no turning around, because they are in the middle of darkness and there is no forward or backward. And this is all that you can do:
Be still and KNOW that I am GOD. ~ Psalm 46:10
Some days, a light shines and you are shown how far you have come and how much you have been blessed.
Some days, it is like it is starting all again with the darkness, and God whispers...
Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach. ~ Deuteronomy 30:11
And you hold on to TRUTH. I have this verse in my kitchen and I read every morning, noon and night. It has kept me going. Some days all I am asked to do is get out of bed, shower and get dressed...and that can be really hard to do.
Because, you see, the enemy wants to keep me in the dark, hidden, afraid, ashamed. And he knows my default mode...
So does God.
God is pulling me ever so gently out of the dark, breaking down my hiding places, and bringing in fresh dirt, light and water...growing me, refining me, strengthening me.
HIS reflection is starting to fill in my cracks,and I am learning to trust the broken places to HIM. HIS designs are always so much more than we can imagine. There are many words forming in my heart and mind...I pray that more will make it here, and not stay hidden.
