Sunday, July 29, 2012

Broken

Broken.
This is how I feel.
This is why I have not written in over a year.

No one wants to read about being broken, at least that is what the voice in my head has been saying. And then I read what Bonnie wrote. She had courage to write about being broken, and I was encouraged and challenged to do the same.

Though, I still would rather keep hiding and waiting for the brokenness to heal.
You see, I am really good at hiding, I have done it all my life.

I have hidden behind a smile when I really wanted to scream and cry. I have hidden my disappointments with "it's okay, it really didn't mean that much to me anyway". I have hidden my sins in deep dark caverns. I have hidden my dreams in those same caverns because, really, most of my dreams are broken too. I have gotten lost a time or two in my caverns. Lost, not really, hiding there, yes. But being in the dark for too long makes you feel lost. And things getting twisted and turned around. Lies start to sound like truth. And, well, sometimes I am not sure anyone cares, really. So I stay hidden.

When life demands it, I pull out a small mirror and show a reflection of light...a smile, a kind word, a "can do" attitude.

But lately, even my mirror is showing cracks...

And I am feeling exposed. My hiding places aren't safe anymore.

This is what some call the working of the Holy Spirit. The refining fire. The Dark Night of The Soul...an awareness of being completely vulnerable and alone.

When all falseness is being torn away and sin and shame are put in their rightful place.

It sounds great, but the reality is harsh, glaring and uncomfortable.

Not many travel here, some seek it, some start but turn away when it gets hard, and others, like myself, are lead here unknowingly until they are in the thick of it and there is no turning around, because they are in the middle of darkness and there is no forward or backward. And this is all that you can do:

Be still and KNOW that I am GOD. ~ Psalm 46:10


Some days, a light shines and you are shown how far you have come and how much you have been blessed.
Some days, it is like it is starting all again with the darkness, and God whispers...

Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach. ~ Deuteronomy 30:11


And you hold on to TRUTH. I have this verse in my kitchen and I read every morning, noon and night. It has kept me going. Some days all I am asked to do is get out of bed, shower and get dressed...and that can be really hard to do.

Because, you see, the enemy wants to keep me in the dark, hidden, afraid, ashamed. And he knows my default mode...

So does God.

God is pulling me ever so gently out of the dark, breaking down my hiding places, and bringing in fresh dirt, light and water...growing me, refining me, strengthening me.



HIS reflection is starting to fill in my cracks,and I am learning to trust the broken places to HIM. HIS designs are always so much more than we can imagine. There are many words forming in my heart and mind...I pray that more will make it here, and not stay hidden.

9 comments:

  1. "Not many travel here, some seek it, some start but turn away when it gets hard, and others, like myself, are lead here unknowingly until they are in the thick of it and there is no turning around, because they are in the middle of darkness and there is no forward or backward. And this is all that you can do: Be Still and know that I am God."

    So true. So true. Jean, this is one of the most beautiful things I have read. You are most beautiful. God is surely here with you in in this place. I hear His voice in you. And I'm so grateful you trust us enough to open your heart so completely. It's courage, writing with your full voice. It's faith because you're trusting Jesus is speaking through you. As is. He is. Gentle and real. Keep writing. This is HUGE. Don't stop. I'm right here next to you, walking this journey of healing too.

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    1. Thank you Bonnie! I have read and re-read your words and you humble me and encourage me...thank you!

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  2. You are so courageous! I am glad you posted this. I found it because Bonnie shared it on Facebook. I am sorry that you have to go through this hard and scary time. I pray that you feel God's tender loving-care and His Holy Spirit surrounding you. I find myself in a similar place, and so I say, "You can do this!" And you are not alone. I will keep praying for you as you continue on this journey. Blessings!

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    1. Thank you! I am a little overwhelmed right now! I will cherish your prayers!

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  3. Please write about how you came to be broken, how you heal....I need to hear this - need to know I'm not hiding it alone...need to know there is hope - what should I do? I am numb and have not felt joy in so long I am wondering if I ever did. Please write ;-)

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    1. You certainly not alone!! I am praying over your questions and asking for words to share...what I am learning is that joy is not just a feeling or a person or a state of mind but the combination of all three..love the Lord will all your heart, mind and soul...this is where true complete joy comes from and each day is a new start to find that joy! Keep starting each day! Praying for you too!

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  4. What an incredible gift you have of writing from your heart. Your written words are so beautiful I have saved this to read over and over again. As I was reading your message I kept thinking, how does someone write so well, so beautifully and so heartfelt? I could never do it but yet what you wrote feels like me. I came by your message in a lucky way and I will thank God right now for sending your beautiful spirit to me. Thank you and I so look forward to more of your writing. God Bless

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    1. Thank you! To be honest I usually don't remember what I write and then have to go back and read it again when someone comments...as is the case here! I truly wrote from a place that is new and scary for me...so thank you for your words!

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Thank you for taking the time to leave a word of encouragement...I truly consider it a blessing that you have spent the time reading my scribbles in the sand.