Thursday, March 14, 2013

Messy Days

The calendar has turned five pages since the last time I placed words on a screen.

It seems like forever ago, and at the same time, only yesterday.

Life gets messy when we get honest with ourselves and God. Hours turn to days, days into weeks, and weeks into months.

Winter darkness lends a hand with the slipping of days, being stingy with the sun light and more than generous with the biting cold wind.

My year named "strength", ended with me using every bit of strength I had to admit that I needed medical help. Depression's equally sinister sister, Anxiety, decided to take over. What I presumed to be depression was actually anxiety...very tricky thing...they go hand in hand and mirror each other well!

My new year, I call "endurance". The old language would call it "long suffering". My favorite definition is "patient power"...we could all use that!! When God gave me this word, I first thought it was just me going with the next common thing after strength. But HE was faithful and revealed it three different times, using three different avenues, each one louder than the previous one. I love how HE is so patient with us when we keep asking, "Are you sure?"

The medicine is helping. I am husband is children are thankful I am not so angry all the time.

Life is still hard.

Ailing parents a thousand miles away, a dog with cancer, a husband who is bored and still trying to maneuver our way through the financial/housing mess.

Just the other day, my husband tells me that the attorney we have been working with, for over a year, can no longer help us because he doesn't handle cases like ours. We have to start over. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??  I have just reached to heaven and yelled "LORD!", and as I am falling back onto the couch a sound like a cynical/manic laugh comes out of my mouth. Instantly I am reminded what this year is called and I smile weakly. God has his ways and they are not my ways.

Each day I choose...choose to let Anxiety win or choose to TRUST in HIM who knows my days for he has made each one. Some days I don't choose well. Some moments I don't choose well. Most days I ask for more faith to choose HIM. This is messy but honest. The enemy has used this against me and will try again in the form of shame and guilt. Each day. Patient Power. Endurance.

This is how I follow Jesus. Each day, sometimes messy, sometimes the sun shines so bright and I laugh so is wonderful!!

He gives me the promise of spring and of a new life...I am counting on that promise! So I continue to follow, messy.


  1. Dear Jean
    I am so sorry to hear that you suffer from this terrible illness, depression and anxiety! I also battle with depression from time to time, but this is part of the symptoms of the Fm/CFS that I suffer from. I have learned that drawing deeply into the life of our Lord Jesus makes it so much better. I pray for you and your family for your financial situation. Always remember that He will work it out for your good in ways that you cannot even begin to understand now.
    Much love XX

    1. Thank you Mia for your kind words and prayers! God has been incredibly faithful through this whole mess...I have learned so much about myself and HIM...the lessons are not always easy and right now the duration is getting to me, which of course is what the enemy loves to have I am pushing on and seeking HIS loving counsel everyday! I am excited to see where HE takes us...


Thank you for taking the time to leave a word of encouragement...I truly consider it a blessing that you have spent the time reading my scribbles in the sand.