Battle Scars

I am joining in the Faith Jam that Bonnie hosts on Thursday...it is safe here, and she is an inspiration to try and write broken. This weeks prompt is a letter to God.

Dear God,

I am bruised and weary. I am angry and afraid. I want and need to scream, cry, wail...but I don't, I can't.

The emotions are too strong and raw.

The voice in my head tells me it is just a waste of time and energy.

So I push on, another day done...but not really lived.

I need YOU!!

I know that YOU are with me. YOU have proven it so many times before.

Something has died inside of me and I am left with incredible emptiness.

I know that for something to truly live, it has to die to self...but how long, LORD GOD, will this darkness last before life starts again?

I almost didn't write this letter, because it is not what people want to hear...I am good at portraying what people "want" and "expect"..this, this vulnerablity is hard to do..even on a computer. ~smile~

YOU are giving me strength as I write these words...LIFE is real and DEATH has been conquered!!

     "If you'll hold on to me for dear life, " says God,
     "I'll get you out of any trouble.
      I'll give you the best care if you'll only get to know ME and TRUST ME." ~ Psalms 91:14-15

Help me hold on, help me hold on...

Always and only YOURS

Jean

What I know now...

I am participating in an exercise over here because it is her encouragement that has lead me back to writing. However, I will not be posting a picture of myself...that takes more bravery than I have right now!!

 Dear younger self...

This is not the first time I have written you, and more than likely won't be the last.

This letter is more confirmation than realization of who you are and who you are becoming.

There are a couple of themes in our life that I need to remind you of and clarify for you.

First and foremost, God loves gardening. That might sound trite, however...we don't love gardening, we don't even like gardening!! Love taking walks in gardens though. Love taking pictures of gardens. But. Do. NOT. like working in the yard. It is sweaty, dirty and causes us to itch!

But, in case you missed it, God LOVES, LOVES to garden and will use every aspect of gardening to teach you about HIS ways. Hence the struggle we have. HE loves it and we, not so much!

The planting, the weeding, the pruning...it all plays out in your life. And it is not a one time deal...God tends to His garden, which is you by the way, everyday. Right now we are in the midst of some serious work, we have become root bound. I have found out that fixing this is very uncomfortable and costly.

A plant that is root bound needs to uprooted; the root ball, gently but firmly, TORN APART; replanted in new soil and goes into a state of shock for a time. Only the strong parts of the plant survive. Parts that looked healthy, but really aren't, do not survive the replanting. It takes time and patience and great care for the plant to regain its full strength. When it does, the blooms are bigger and more abundant than before.

So take courage, we are being looked after by the greatest gardener of them all...God, himself is holding our root ball gently and firmly in his hands. And in due time, we will know our full potential...that is, until the process starts over again. Which it will, it has too...that is how gardening works, that is how God works..He wants our full potential and will not leave us alone until we reach it in Christ Jesus.

Which leads me to the second theme...knowledge.

Reading has always played a huge part in our life. It is our escape. It is our safe place. Our tastes have changed over the years as we have grown. For a while now it has been about growing closer to God and all the ways that is possible.

However, since we have been in this season of root bound, even reading offers no escape...I think it is because we are to be silent and words get noisy sometimes.

There are bible verses that bring rest and restoration to our weariness, so hold them tight and let them soak in, deep into our veins. They will bring insight and hope, but not before they bring truth and humility.

Matthew 6:22-24, this will bring you face to face with lies you have believed for so long, you thought they were truth..there is freedom from the entanglement..it just takes time.

Matthew 22:37, this is our journey...knowledge from head to heart to soul. Most people will tell you about making head knowledge to heart knowledge. And we have great experience here. But no one really talks about the heart to soul part. Maybe they have and we just haven't made that connection. But there is where we are now...heart knowledge to soul knowledge. This is hard work.

So let me encourage you, enter into it fully...stop trying so hard to make it work out for the good or what you think it should look like...just let God do the work and be still and know who HE is.

Wait. Trust. Be.

You have a great life ahead of you, more than you can imagine...

Still waiting, still trusting and trying to just be.

Jean

Broken

Broken.
This is how I feel.
This is why I have not written in over a year.

No one wants to read about being broken, at least that is what the voice in my head has been saying. And then I read what Bonnie wrote. She had courage to write about being broken, and I was encouraged and challenged to do the same.

Though, I still would rather keep hiding and waiting for the brokenness to heal.
You see, I am really good at hiding, I have done it all my life.

I have hidden behind a smile when I really wanted to scream and cry. I have hidden my disappointments with "it's okay, it really didn't mean that much to me anyway". I have hidden my sins in deep dark caverns. I have hidden my dreams in those same caverns because, really, most of my dreams are broken too. I have gotten lost a time or two in my caverns. Lost, not really, hiding there, yes. But being in the dark for too long makes you feel lost. And things getting twisted and turned around. Lies start to sound like truth. And, well, sometimes I am not sure anyone cares, really. So I stay hidden.

When life demands it, I pull out a small mirror and show a reflection of light...a smile, a kind word, a "can do" attitude.

But lately, even my mirror is showing cracks...

And I am feeling exposed. My hiding places aren't safe anymore.

This is what some call the working of the Holy Spirit. The refining fire. The Dark Night of The Soul...an awareness of being completely vulnerable and alone.

When all falseness is being torn away and sin and shame are put in their rightful place.

It sounds great, but the reality is harsh, glaring and uncomfortable.

Not many travel here, some seek it, some start but turn away when it gets hard, and others, like myself, are lead here unknowingly until they are in the thick of it and there is no turning around, because they are in the middle of darkness and there is no forward or backward. And this is all that you can do:

Be still and KNOW that I am GOD. ~ Psalm 46:10


Some days, a light shines and you are shown how far you have come and how much you have been blessed.
Some days, it is like it is starting all again with the darkness, and God whispers...

Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach. ~ Deuteronomy 30:11


And you hold on to TRUTH. I have this verse in my kitchen and I read every morning, noon and night. It has kept me going. Some days all I am asked to do is get out of bed, shower and get dressed...and that can be really hard to do.

Because, you see, the enemy wants to keep me in the dark, hidden, afraid, ashamed. And he knows my default mode...

So does God.

God is pulling me ever so gently out of the dark, breaking down my hiding places, and bringing in fresh dirt, light and water...growing me, refining me, strengthening me.

HIS reflection is starting to fill in my cracks,and I am learning to trust the broken places to HIM. HIS designs are always so much more than we can imagine. There are many words forming in my heart and mind...I pray that more will make it here, and not stay hidden.

Naming Dreams, Kinda of..

I know I haven't written in awhile, but really I did not know it has been since February!! Where has the time gone?

Time did not get lost, I did.



I got lost in the land of "what ifs" and "should haves" and "to scared to".

Then my son missed 20 days of school, let's just all of March! Surgery, strep, and a virus all rolled into one..at least it seemed it all happened at the same time!

And before I knew it the school had ended and here I am, still lost, but climbing out of fear.

Such a small word, fear, but oh the mess it can cause.

I have this idea of what I think God is calling me to do, actually it is more than an idea and it has been confirmed more than once...it is what I am being called to do...but.. (yes another small word that causes darkness to settle)

Don't get me wrong, I haven't just been idle all this time stewing on the risks and the reality of being unequipped..I have stepped out...just really small steps! And now, well, now I know it is time to stretch and reach for the larger steps. The ones that make your brow fill with beads of sweat and have you question "why on earth did I just do this?" I am sure you know the kind I am talking about...risks..stepping out in faith, being obedient even when it doesn't make sense.

So many times, I have started to write only to close the computer and say.."no body wants to read your pity party, or how you constantly question what is the right thing to do.."

But today, I was re-reading Ann Voskamp's book and a light bulb went off! In the middle of chapter 3, she talks about naming things and writing them down...and in doing so gives them back to God who created it in the first place...giving thanks!

I should write, not because someone is reading it or not, but because in putting pen to paper (or fingers to key board) I am naming my God-given dreams and giving thanks even if they don't make sense at the moment. And in writing, you can "see"and it is no longer in the shadows, light can shine on it, whatever it is, and all things can begin to take shape in the light.

God has given me a dream, one with many parts, and I am starting small but I am stretching and reaching and praying. And as a pastor once said, "We can spend all our time on our knees praying, but if we don't get up and walk forward, we may never see the prayer answered!"

So, today, I am naming and giving thanks and walking forward...

Finding REAL love...

This is a re-post, but it fits nicely with the Jam this week...at least I think so!

Team Jesus

Okay, so I will admit that I have read the Twilight series and am keeping up to date on the movie releases..however this is NOT about Twilight...it is about finding out someone has a CRUSH on you!!!

I am one of the girls who has always dreamed of "the man" who sweeps you off your feet, will fight to the death for you...you know exactly what I am talking about if you are a hopeless romantic too!! (The fact is I think all women are looking for this, even if they don't want to admit it!!)

The problem is that Hollywood has never failed at making us drool over some character to the point we think the actor playing the character is one in the same {insert any and all male actors who play a romantic hero} ...not only that but they start targeting us at such an early age, when we are just starting to fantasize about Mr. Right!!

I know... I fell young and hard to the lie that there was a man that could match all expectations, even if some of those expectations where as lofty as the clouds.

I came from a loving family. I KNEW that I was loved, that God loved me and I had a great Daddy who not only loved all of us kids, but adores my Mom! Still, by the time I was 16, I so wanted to BE loved...what I really wanted (hindsight is great by the way)was to be the object of some one's desire..what made them want to get up in the morning, to lay down their life for me...anyone know what I am talking about??

So at 18, I was naively honest with someone about my romantic self and I started in a relationship that was not the best for me...I soon got married and then divorced shortly after that...the WHOLE relationship lasted less than 6 years!!

The funny thing, I still wanted to find that person who could/would fit into MY vision!!

Do you remember the movie BRAVEHEART? Well, I was in the movies, with the person I was currently in a relationship with, and made the comment that I wanted the love and commitment that was displayed in that movie, (searching for and hoping for the answer I wanted...) he proceeds to say, in a "matter of fact" way, "you won't be getting that from me"...I left that movie totally crushed.

So another relationship ended and I was broken more this time than the first one in which I had actually been married!!

GOD is good! And HE sent me someone, who does not think the world revolves around me, but..loves me like no other. We have been married for over 13 years and are still acting like it is our honeymoon!

I throw that in there because the truth is I still have yearned for that "object of desire" feeling from someone about ME!! That was until Sunday...

So, my husband has been traveling..a lot, and I was in need of some time without kiddos, and the newest movie in the Twilight series has been out for two weeks...so I went all by myself to see it. All those thoughts of being that object of desire for someone surfaced again, but differently than as a naive teenager. I know now that expectations are sometimes lies told by the enemy to keep us from the great stuff God has in store for us; and I know that I am truly happily married, so what was with all the old desires surfacing???

Well, as I was driving home and hashing out my thoughts...God started playing HIS own love story in my mind...and guess what...I AM HIS OBJECT OF DESIRE!!! I almost had to pull the car over...

I am the reason Jesus was born and came to live among us
I am the reason Jesus died on the cross for sins of ALL mankind
I am the reason Jesus kicked some evil booty
I am the reason Jesus rose again on the third day
I am the reason Jesus WILL COME AGAIN!!!!

And the best part, YOU are HIS object of desire too!!!

I don't know where you are right now, today...but it has taken me all this time to 'get it' that God wants us so much more than we want him!!

And now that I have gotten that message loud and clear...I have the silliest grin on my face!!

GOD HAS A CRUSH ON ME!!!

Won't you let HIM have one on you too?



Click here to read more about finding that TRUE love!!

UPSIDE/DOWNSIDE

Over the years I have learned that being surrounded by fellow 'walkers of the WAY', has been both a blessing and a struggle. (You noticed that I did not say 'Christians'...I strongly feel that label leaves lots to be desired...many claim to be, but their actions speak louder than their words...I am talking about people who REALLY believe what they believe and their lives SHOW it!)



Take for instance on Tuesday, like most of the United States, it was snowing...to make a long story short, on the way to school we hit a slick spot and did a 180 into a snow bank! That afternoon after all was fixed and done, I was looking for people to join me in my pity party...this is where the struggle comes in...

Every single person I spoke with that day quickly pointed out how we were blessed that day!! True, we were very blessed...no damage to the car, to us or to other cars...had the money to get 4 new tires...my daughter did NOT have a panic attack during or after the ordeal...handled it all with my husband out of town...my mother-in-law spent time with me that morning while I calmed down

BUT...I really wanted to break down and cry and complain that my husband was out of town, we have gotten more than our fair share of snow


(Minnesota, I know there is suppose to be snow...but not non stop!),
and I was far away from MY family!

My own Daddy was on the blessings band wagon too!!

Funny isn't it?? How we can always point out the blessings when we are walking in the LIGHT!

If I wasn't surrounded by this great group of people (my parents included), this little incident could have blown way out of proportion .... look at what the enemy would have loved to have happened...

I could have held a grudge against my husband for "having to travel" instead of being thankful for a job = a breaking down of my marriage

I could have spent the day playing the "what if" game and gotten too scared to drive in the snow again which is not practical considering where I live = anxiety and depression

I could have totally lost it instead of pointing out how well my children handled the situation = words that cause brokenness instead of love and growth

I could have refused to see my mother in law simply because she is not my mom = not allowing GOD to work in or use someone

The enemy wanted to have a hay day with me on Tuesday, but GOD had other plans!!

So even if it is annoying to have the blessings pointed out to you when all you want is a pity party, remember who is throwing the pity party!!

Walk in the LIGHT and in ALL THINGS give THANKS and PRAISE...we are!!

Expectations

Well, if you have been reading my blog, you know that I fell short of the 40 days. Which in hindsight is okay, because "I" got in the way, again.

The Spirit cannot place HIS words here if I continue to make it about me. The closer it got to my sister's heaven day, the more I wanted/needed something inspiring for me!! So, when I sat down to write, nothing came...and then life happened..

My world came crashing down little by little and I lost sight of who is in control!

My youngest started weekly appointments and then medication was added.
The mission trip planned for the week between Christmas and New Year's was canceled, by my husband due to violence in the area.
The stress of a "traditional" Christmas looming...

I felt like every thing I was hoping for was being flushed away is one swoop of HIS hand. Which of course was far from the truth, as it usually is!!

My youngest is learning life lessons to carry her through adulthood and I am learning about myself as well. (and now finally getting much needed sleep!)

The airfare for the mission trip was used to fly to Texas for a surprise Thanksgiving with my family!!



And my husband and I truly are getting on the same page about changing our celebrations of Christmas, slow steps but steps together!

AND most importantly, I have learned that what we expect and having expectations are two very different things.

Expecting something, like going on the mission trip, I had already planned what would happen, how God would move and what my response would be...

On the other hand, simply expecting means that I am open to HIS leading and excited about how He MIGHT move and HOW He will grow me in the process!

Expectations should equal excitement, not disappointment.

It all goes back to having faith like a child....even if a child know what might happen during a certain event or planned trip, they are still excited even if things don't go as planned...they have no preconceived ideas or plans or wants. They live the moment and enjoy the ride!! AND their expectations are always met and exceeded!

So my goal this year, is to live expectantly, not expecting!

Here to all of HIS expectations for us being fulfilled!!



Happy New Year!