Crossing over the Jordon

It is good to be back writing, thanks to Bonnie for giving the prompt "Journey"


I haven't written in over a year.

After this post, my heart was laid bare and a deep healing began. I was able to connect words to page only a few times...and then so much swirling of emotions, truths, lies and upheavals just bogged me down. I prayed that God would honor my thoughts and keep them safe for me. And He has.

Over the next few weeks, I will be processing and reliving the past year. Simply, I  hope to bring my journey to it's next destination.

It was through Bonnie's prompts that I was able to speak and it is through those same ones that I am trusting my voice again.  So, here goes...

No matter where you look in the Bible there is someone going on a journey.

And we are no different. 

"Moses my servant is dead. Now then, you and all these people, get ready to cross the Jordan River in to the land I am about to give them." Joshua 1:2

Four years, four long winters, we spent in Minnesota. And by the Grace of God alone, He lead us back to Texas. It maybe a stretch, but I felt like we were finally coming out of the wilderness and getting to cross the Jordan River into the promised land!! I could the almost feel the excitement of the Israelites..the Promised Land! Expect I totally forgot about the inhabitants and the battles that needed to be fought! Make no mistake, our lives, today, parallel those in the Bible...it is one of the reasons it is called the LIVING WORD!

The day my husband left Minnesota to drive to Texas to start his new job, it snowed. It was May. I still had six weeks with the kids as they finished up the school year. I had already had my fill of this winter. But...

I had starting thinking and reading about the journey across the Jordan AND how the Reubenites, the Gadites and the half-tribe of Manasseh got to stay and find rest. REST would be good. Can I be honest and say that I was actually wondering if it was a good idea to be leaving Minnesota?!

We were just starting to make connections, did I mention it had been four years, and I was sure that I could have started working at the church we had begun attending. Was I up for more battling and pulling and shedding of old habits...more wilderness work? I started imagining what the wives of the various tribes of Israel were feeling.

The ones that got to "find rest" were excited, at first, to finally stay put and make a home. Then the realization that their men still had to go into battle came over them. It was a difficult time. The other wives were probably jealous at first, then realized they got to stay with their men, even though there was battling ahead. It was a difficult time.

The ultimate decision to move back to Texas was a difficult one and it has been a difficult time with some restful times thrown in. The battles are real. For each one, God has been cutting the size of the troops down. We are currently at our Jericho.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid. I will never leave you or forsake you. Only be strong and courageous. Joshua 1

This is our promise, no matter where your journey leads you...He will never leave us or forsake us! If only, we would remember that more often...

When Winter is your Spring

Bonnie wants us to write about "spring".

Honestly, when I read the prompt, I had nothing to say, at least nothing good to say.

We are still in the throws of winter here, well my definition of winter anyway, temps in the 20-30's, blizzard warnings and 3-6 inches of snow!

And as I was sitting next the fire drinking my morning coffee, the snow started to let up and the room brightened just a bit. What happened next nearly sent me to my knees, literally. I spoke these words aloud: "I won't be fooled by this light, I know there is still more darkness coming!" And with that my spirit wailed within me, because this is how my heart has been for a while now.

The few rays of light that have entered, I have refused to believe and to trust. Instead of enjoying the break in the storm, I have called it false hope and have sunk deeper in my pity. I have said I wanted to live full of joy and excitement for Christ, but really only if it is on my terms...happy feel good comfortable living.

These verses from Matthew have been rolling around in me since August and God has been digging up roots and exposing Truth.

Matthew 6:22-24

New International Version (NIV)

²² “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. ²³ But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!
²⁴ “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.<sup>(A)


It has been the second part of verse 23 that has slayed me time and time again. 

At first, fear gripped me and I truly was afraid, that all this time, my life in Christ had been a charade. (The enemy loves to wield fear to keep us trapped in bondage.) As the Holy Spirit worked in me and showed me Truth, the fear subsided and true repentance started as God revealed where my heart needed change.

I no longer fear when the Spirit calls me out, like on Monday morning. I know God is good and gracious. I know He wants me to draw closer to Him. I am still surprised, however, by my own lack of faith and trust.

Funny how that we are surprised but God is not. Ridiculous that He still chases after us when we are so blind. Transforming that HE loves us still.

Verse 24 has not been lost on me either, considering our financial mess. (my wanting a happy feel good comfortable life...)

God is good. Always. He wants only the best for me. He wants a bright light in me to shine for HIM and HIM alone.

Sunday is Palm Sunday, and there is no false hope in Jesus.
  
I am so glad that God does not leave me in the dark, but that He shines HIS light into my dark places that are parading around as light.

Winter may be hijacking my spring, but Jesus is transforming my heart.</sup>

 

Messy Days

The calendar has turned five pages since the last time I placed words on a screen.

It seems like forever ago, and at the same time, only yesterday.

Life gets messy when we get honest with ourselves and God. Hours turn to days, days into weeks, and weeks into months.

Winter darkness lends a hand with the slipping of days, being stingy with the sun light and more than generous with the biting cold wind.

My year named "strength", ended with me using every bit of strength I had to admit that I needed medical help. Depression's equally sinister sister, Anxiety, decided to take over. What I presumed to be depression was actually anxiety...very tricky thing...they go hand in hand and mirror each other well!

My new year, I call "endurance". The old language would call it "long suffering". My favorite definition is "patient power"...we could all use that!! When God gave me this word, I first thought it was just me going with the next common thing after strength. But HE was faithful and revealed it three different times, using three different avenues, each one louder than the previous one. I love how HE is so patient with us when we keep asking, "Are you sure?"

The medicine is helping. I am grateful...my husband is grateful...my children are thankful I am not so angry all the time.

Life is still hard.

Ailing parents a thousand miles away, a dog with cancer, a husband who is bored and still trying to maneuver our way through the financial/housing mess.

Just the other day, my husband tells me that the attorney we have been working with, for over a year, can no longer help us because he doesn't handle cases like ours. We have to start over. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??  I have just reached to heaven and yelled "LORD!", and as I am falling back onto the couch a sound like a cynical/manic laugh comes out of my mouth. Instantly I am reminded what this year is called and I smile weakly. God has his ways and they are not my ways.

Each day I choose...choose to let Anxiety win or choose to TRUST in HIM who knows my days for he has made each one. Some days I don't choose well. Some moments I don't choose well. Most days I ask for more faith to choose HIM. This is messy but honest. The enemy has used this against me and will try again in the form of shame and guilt. Each day. Patient Power. Endurance.

This is how I follow Jesus. Each day, sometimes messy, sometimes the sun shines so bright and I laugh so hard...it is wonderful!!

He gives me the promise of spring and of a new life...I am counting on that promise! So I continue to follow, messy.

I am still here...

The last post about did me in. Emotionally I mean. I ended up in a place that I thought was long forgotten, at least buried deep enough to not be found. But the hole opened up and I fell right in. It has taken me some time to climb back out...burying it again was not an option.

Add in the two full moons in August, school starting, and other various life happening...it took much longer than I expected to find my way back to the surface. There were moments when I thought I really needed to seek professional help, because I have before, and I know those moments are but a shadow away from reality. This time, though, the healing needed to go beyond symptoms and something new needed to fill the hole.

It was a Monday morning, kids were at school, the weather was changing soon...so I told my husband that I was going to spend the day at the Arboretum with God. There was laundry to be done, floors to clean, but I was empty and depressed. So that is what I did. And this is what HE had for me...

I stopped at a pond and prayed that HE would meet me there. Just let me know all of this "suffering" was not for nothing. I just needed, wanted to know that I was doing this the way HE wanted.

I left the pond with an open mind and open heart. No agenda, no ipod, nothing and started walking into the woods.

The views HE provided were breathtaking.

Why do we so easily forget what a great artist and creator HE is?

Then I came up a hill and was taken aback by the barrenness of this huge oak tree.

And as if on cue, I turned to by left and there was a maple in full glory.

I am almost ashamed to admit this, but I looked at the oak, then again at the maple and walked towards the maple. The oak mirrored what I was feeling already, and I wanted to escape that empty, dead filling. The maple was full of color and the sun was making the leaves sparkle...I needed color, life, sparkle! Almost instantly as I turned toward the sparkle of the maple, my heart sank. I was struck by the Spirit. I had chosen the "world" over God. Did I immediately run to the oak, no...I continued to walk the path past the maple..but the Spirit would not let me be...I did ask for HIM to join me...

I turned around and went back towards the oak. Its size caught my attention again. That mighty oak, though stripped of the majority of its leaves reminded of home. Its old, craved branches pulled me in to study the depths of its bark. I knew I had to take a picture.

As I was looking for a place to set down my bag, I noticed a bench in the bushes...and this is what I found when I went to place my bag...

I was stunned. Not only had HE met me there, HE saved me there, again.

 (if you can't make out the picture it says: Jesus said, The Spirit of the Lord is upon me to grant to those who mourn, garland instead of ashes, gladness instead of mourning, praises instead of a faint spirit. That they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord.~Isaiah 61:1-3, Luke 4:18-19) 

Was I instantly not depressed or empty, no...but I knew I was healing and that brought me joy, the kind that only HE can give!

 And has the winter starts to show itself here, I am clinging to that joy!

 My friends, no matter how deep the hole is that you may have dug, HE is there and will provide the way out. For even in the coldest of winters, the rose will bloom in the spring!!

Come Follow Me

This week, our prompt from Bonnie was.."God will make a way" Please pull up a chair and join us, because sometimes we all get a little lost and need a reminder that HE really will make a way...

 There is a saying, that within us there is a door waiting to be opened. A hidden place. Maybe a place that needs grace, love and healing. Or just a place where forgotten dreams have been stored.

Either one, there is still a door. And it is probably closed, maybe even locked and the key thrown away!

In the quite, there might be a knock. Is it you knocking to be let out, or is it someone else trying to get in? But there is most definitely a knocking sound. Sometimes, it is easy to ignore and get busy with life...but then, life gets hard and we end up back at the door.



There is a picture of Jesus knocking at a door waiting to be let in. If you have never let HIM into your heart, it is very possible that this your door. And I would so urge you to do so.

However, if you have already let HIM in, then the door maybe somewhere HE has led you.

This is the case for me. I have been wondering around in a room that I had forgotten about and had no desire to visit again. But here I am. And I am not alone. There is healing and grace and love...there is still sadness, but so much more gratefulness than I realized.

This room..do I dare share..this is the best description of this room:

 "Uh... I don't know. It was like... falling into a hole.
 It was like falling into a hole,and it keeps getting bigger and
 bigger, ..and you can't get out,and then, ...all of a sudden, it's
 inside...and you're the hole, and you're trapped, and it's all
 over. Something like that. And it's not really scary, except it
 is when you think back on it.'Cause you know what you were
 feeling strange and new..." ~ Conrad, Ordinary People

 I was a junior in high school. And sitting in the dark auditorium, the person on stage was describing me. I sat there and knew I could so easily end up where he did...attempted suicide. However, I didn't try, not then...it would be seven years later.

Nothing messy, or painful...you see I am a wimp and a scaredy cat!!

It was after my divorce, in a bubble bath and I thought...if I could just slip under the bubbles....and I did. Then, I will never forget it, my soul cried out and God pulled me out of the water.

I have NEVER shared this with anyone,  until 3 days ago when I told my husband. (and now you)

There are places, moments, that change your life forever. This is one of mine.

We like to travel as a family and I love taking pictures of paths we walk. Maybe it is because I know where I have been, and I like to have a reminder as to where HE has taken me.

Some of the paths are straight and lead into pure beauty and wonder.

Some are mysterious and not well lit.







Some are rocky and slippery.

But all of them, I have heard Jesus say...Come follow ME.

So, I am back in the auditorium, but this time I KNOW that I am not alone with my secret...and HE shows me love, grace and healing. HE holds out his hand and says...Come, this way, there is still so much to see. 

You will still have dark days, but I am here. I will be your light. I will be your hiding place. 

Come, follow Me.

And I do, even on my dark days...

 

 

Battle Scars

I am joining in the Faith Jam that Bonnie hosts on Thursday...it is safe here, and she is an inspiration to try and write broken. This weeks prompt is a letter to God.

Dear God,

I am bruised and weary. I am angry and afraid. I want and need to scream, cry, wail...but I don't, I can't.

The emotions are too strong and raw.

The voice in my head tells me it is just a waste of time and energy.

So I push on, another day done...but not really lived.

I need YOU!!

I know that YOU are with me. YOU have proven it so many times before.

Something has died inside of me and I am left with incredible emptiness.

I know that for something to truly live, it has to die to self...but how long, LORD GOD, will this darkness last before life starts again?

I almost didn't write this letter, because it is not what people want to hear...I am good at portraying what people "want" and "expect"..this, this vulnerablity is hard to do..even on a computer. ~smile~

YOU are giving me strength as I write these words...LIFE is real and DEATH has been conquered!!

     "If you'll hold on to me for dear life, " says God,
     "I'll get you out of any trouble.
      I'll give you the best care if you'll only get to know ME and TRUST ME." ~ Psalms 91:14-15

Help me hold on, help me hold on...

Always and only YOURS

Jean

What I know now...

I am participating in an exercise over here because it is her encouragement that has lead me back to writing. However, I will not be posting a picture of myself...that takes more bravery than I have right now!!

 Dear younger self...

This is not the first time I have written you, and more than likely won't be the last.

This letter is more confirmation than realization of who you are and who you are becoming.

There are a couple of themes in our life that I need to remind you of and clarify for you.

First and foremost, God loves gardening. That might sound trite, however...we don't love gardening, we don't even like gardening!! Love taking walks in gardens though. Love taking pictures of gardens. But. Do. NOT. like working in the yard. It is sweaty, dirty and causes us to itch!

But, in case you missed it, God LOVES, LOVES to garden and will use every aspect of gardening to teach you about HIS ways. Hence the struggle we have. HE loves it and we, not so much!

The planting, the weeding, the pruning...it all plays out in your life. And it is not a one time deal...God tends to His garden, which is you by the way, everyday. Right now we are in the midst of some serious work, we have become root bound. I have found out that fixing this is very uncomfortable and costly.

A plant that is root bound needs to uprooted; the root ball, gently but firmly, TORN APART; replanted in new soil and goes into a state of shock for a time. Only the strong parts of the plant survive. Parts that looked healthy, but really aren't, do not survive the replanting. It takes time and patience and great care for the plant to regain its full strength. When it does, the blooms are bigger and more abundant than before.

So take courage, we are being looked after by the greatest gardener of them all...God, himself is holding our root ball gently and firmly in his hands. And in due time, we will know our full potential...that is, until the process starts over again. Which it will, it has too...that is how gardening works, that is how God works..He wants our full potential and will not leave us alone until we reach it in Christ Jesus.

Which leads me to the second theme...knowledge.

Reading has always played a huge part in our life. It is our escape. It is our safe place. Our tastes have changed over the years as we have grown. For a while now it has been about growing closer to God and all the ways that is possible.

However, since we have been in this season of root bound, even reading offers no escape...I think it is because we are to be silent and words get noisy sometimes.

There are bible verses that bring rest and restoration to our weariness, so hold them tight and let them soak in, deep into our veins. They will bring insight and hope, but not before they bring truth and humility.

Matthew 6:22-24, this will bring you face to face with lies you have believed for so long, you thought they were truth..there is freedom from the entanglement..it just takes time.

Matthew 22:37, this is our journey...knowledge from head to heart to soul. Most people will tell you about making head knowledge to heart knowledge. And we have great experience here. But no one really talks about the heart to soul part. Maybe they have and we just haven't made that connection. But there is where we are now...heart knowledge to soul knowledge. This is hard work.

So let me encourage you, enter into it fully...stop trying so hard to make it work out for the good or what you think it should look like...just let God do the work and be still and know who HE is.

Wait. Trust. Be.

You have a great life ahead of you, more than you can imagine...

Still waiting, still trusting and trying to just be.

Jean