Disconnected and yet...connected

So, I barely made it through Thanksgiving, somehow I was able to hold it together, but barely...

I have felt so disconnected lately, walking an emotional tight wire...the slightest movement could, and sometimes would, cause a feeling of falling off the edge. Even though I was sometimes falling into darkness, there was someone, something, either holding on or ready to catch me...disconnected and yet not alone.

This was the second Thanksgiving in Minnesota, the first was right after my sister died...it felt like the first time, always checking my emotions, trying to keep the flood of tears from falling, trying to be thankful for the small things, which of course are never small considering the GIVER of such gifts...more checks of emotions..sigh..

The cloud has lifted yet again, praise be to HIM, the giver of ALL things!


I truly believe HE walks us through cloud banks just so we don't lose our sight...the tears cleanse and heal and we remember what to look for...the world gets our eyes dirty and we forget...the clouds come to cleanse..

Still feeling a little disconnected and yet not lost, still searching, but not in vain...looking to find my joy again...and it will come in the morning (mourning)!

Peace to my friends, and may this coming season find you searching for what the true gift is...Christ Jesus!

In Rememberance

Today I remember my sister who made her journey HOME six years ago...

Julia is nine years older than me, yet I connected with her more than anyone else in my life...I miss her.

I remember, I cry, I laugh and always, I smile.

How do you describe someone who so etched your life. Like the branches of a tree, there are so many lines that connect to the trunk...the life giving source. Julia was connected and she connected so many people, me being one of them.



I was so interconnected with her, co-dependent really, that when she left for HOME I lost myself.



It has taken some time, but I am, the person God wants me to be, is awakening and branching out to connect and connect others to the life giving source of the everlasting tree of life, CHRIST JESUS.





So much she has taught me, still teaching me, in her words that were once spoken but still heard. My favorite is when I was having a pity party and lamenting to her over the phone, and all she could say was how excited she was for me; I thought she was crazy and asked if she just heard what I had said...her response.."I am so excited because God is so in your face right now and bringing you closer to HIM!!" Even today, I hear those words when life has me down and out...life giving words from someone who knew.

I cry, I smile, I get reconnected.

Dear Abba Father, keep me connected and allow me to connect others to you, the tree of life.

I love you Julia, thank you.

Pictures from my living room window and the "dancing tree" down the road...

The sun is shining, the air is crisp and I am looking for reassurance in our journey here.

This year has been a long one. Decisions made, hearts broken, and spirits tested..yet in all of this our faith has grown by leaps and bounds and our marriage has reached new heights. God's ways are so not the way of this world.

Eyes that have been shut are starting to see anew. Beauty out of the ashes, we are rising to new life.


The future is yet known, but the road looks promising. God is good, always.



With the green of summer gone, so much more can be seen. Beauty that you had no idea was hiding. Treasures not yet discovered, paths that were hidden, are now asking to be taken and explored. It is amazing how the change in seasons can change ones perspective if you only open your eyes and look.

Peace be to you today and you find new paths that have been hidden and God put new lens in your eyes so that you may see new treasures to behold.

Wow, it has been awhile! I have been keeping things to myself, not always a good thing; old defenses really, bad habits that are hard to break. Staying quite also saves us from exposing our soft spots, our tender underbellies..saves our hearts from being even more broken. Writing our thoughts makes them real and exposed, but to be healed the dark has to be exposed to the Light of TRUTH.

The seasons have changed here and it has been a wonderful experience. The trees have changed colors and have lost their leaves. The world is slowing and going into a much needed rest. The orange and gold of the leaves reminded me of crowns of glory given to servants who have been faithful..Well done good and faithful servants!! The falling leaves are seeds being planted for yet another harvest...but now rest, rest in Me for your work is done, for now.












HE has been working in me as well, and yet I have kept it to myself, the stripping away of my leaves has not been as beautiful. The quietness has not been a refreshing retreat, but a journey to the deeper levels of my sin and unfaithfulness. Yet, I am now anticipating the snow, the stillness and the peace. For the dark as been exposed to the LIGHT and healing has begun.

I am a sinner in need of God's grace.

I am blessed to be called a child of God.

I am saved by the blood of the Lamb, Jesus Christ.

I am a sinner in need of God's grace.

This year has tested me and my husband and oh how we have grown in the Lord, separately and together...God is good at all times, even when we have forgotten.

Rest and peace be to you this season of change, and watch for the crowns of glory all around you, good and faithful servants.

The unexpected in the everyday

I am not a writer, have never claimed to be, and yet I am being asked to journal my thoughts. Not in a journal for my eyes only, but for who God chooses.

So I write.

My days have been up and down, nothing spectacular. Little issues add up and I fall down on my knees as if the world is falling apart. Then I am reminded that HE is there in the little things and I have just forgotten to seek HIM there each time.

What I so habitually put into the ordinary parts of life, GOD makes them extraordinary. The way a child looks with wonder as a leaf blows and twirls with the wind. The beauty of a sunrise, and sunset. The clanging of the flag pole in the wind, sweet music if you listen with child like ears. And yet, we wake with worry and regret on our heart and minds instead of thankfulness at another chance to bring GOD's love into our hearts and begin a new relationship with HIM.

I am speaking for myself of course. My focus has been on what I do not have and this morning I have be overwhelmed with the beauty of what I do have. The beauty of life gets lost when I focus on the what the world has to offer me; or not offer me for that matter.

I was reminded that only true happiness, and contentment comes from the ONE who has created everything.

Today, I will look for the unexpected in the everyday and find my joy in HIM who is hidden in the ordinary, as long as I remember to see with the eyes of a child.

walking in darkness

I watched an episode of Touched by an Angel the other night, the one where Tess gets Alzheimer's, and it was able to put to words what I am feeling...

At the end of the show,Tess comes out of the fog and is herself again but the last words she speaks are to an elderly woman who suffers the same thing..."though you are walking in darkness, your soul knows HIS voice and there is light at the end of this tunnel, I speak to your soul...keep listening to HIS voice, HE is always there."

I currently feel like I am in a tunnel, not sure where God is leading me, trying to be still and listen and at the same time, keep moving forward toward the light that I know is there at the end.

We went to the North Shore of Lake Superior for some much needed time away. I was hoping for a complete renewal of spirit when we returned, however the result was less than what I had hoped for. I am still tired, physically, emotionally and am needing some serious spiritual uplifting! This must be the dark night of the soul, should really finish that book...

However, my soul knows that God has not left me or forsaken me!! He is in the clouds; always a pillar before me, leading the way.

So my friends, if you feel like you are in the dark, know the storm will pass and life begins anew and fresh in the morning sun!

Spoken

Have you ever caught yourself speaking to yourself? Of course you have!

This morning was no acception. I was in serious conversation, not aloud, but with my heart, my very being, coming to terms with my unsettledness of spirit. Why am I feeling this way? How do I change it? Wishing for my spiritual journeyman(women) that have been with me for so long...they would let me rant, then gently turn me back to the One who actually could and would make things better.

Then the question came, why not just turn to ME now? AM I not the ONE who can and will bring peace and rest?

I was still missing the human contact, but no longer felt alone. I began to think about prisoners, outcast, people who truly are alone and HE is still there with them...so why do I feel the need for more than just HIM?

This is where we all fall short and fall fast. We have allowed our society to shape us into thinking that we need to fill the void when we find ourselves lonely or alone with people, things...idols really. When the spoken word of GOD is food, drink, and companionship for our souls.

HE created nature to appeal to our senses, bring us into communion with HIM. HE created music to soothe our weary bones with the softness of HIS touch.

I have forgotten. So will you join me on a walk today, listening to HIS music of birds, feeling HIS touch with the wind, seeing HIS face in another person and remember what HE has spoken...

"Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around...See things from HIS perspective." Col.3:1-2 The Message

Peace to you!