Friday, October 1, 2010

It's not about me, really?

The very first sentence of the book read, IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

I shut the book and exclaim to no one in particular, I am not ready for this yet.

This was in June 2003, luckily I did reopen the book and begin reading. GOD was laying the ground work for a very rough journey.

As I said yesterday, my sister was diagnosed and gone within 40 days! However, the correlation did not come quickly, nothing comes quickly when you are in a state of shock...time stands still.

Have you ever witnessed an accident or your child tumbling just out of hands reach? Suddenly you are living in motion. Time stands still and you can not do anything about it.

So I don't remember much of the first week, just updates and my mom going to be with my sister. And I am not sure when, but I called or she called, and it was hard. She was just chatting away and then said, "can you believe I have cancer? I have cancer."

I could not speak, the water was falling faster and faster, and I had no voice, no words of encouragement, nothing.

I was thinking about myself and how much pain this was causing me, and not really what she must be going through. Actually, it was more guilt than anything. Six months earlier I had had a breast cancer scare, but it turned out to be a rare side effect from the hormones I was I had escaped, but she hadn' pain was guilt...why her and not me?

I still think about that phone call and so wish I had had words for her. And yet, still nothing. Maybe that is the point...quietness is sometimes louder than any spoken word. Listening is so much more powerful than talking...she was so good with both and I, well, I still wish....something anything...

That sentence still speaks volumes to me when I am at my wits end...IT IS NOT ABOUT ME...the words echo in my mind and my heart and I remember WHO it really is about. Life is not fair and bad things do happen to good people. GOD however is still GOD and still good!

My sister knew this. She did not feel sorry for herself. The phone call ended with her telling me that she would do it all over again because the blessings she was witnessing were worth it!!

In my times of hardship I try and look for the many blessings; they are there and they have been promised.

Matthew 5

The Beatitudes
1Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2and he began to teach them saying:
3"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

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Thank you for taking the time to leave a word of encouragement...I truly consider it a blessing that you have spent the time reading my scribbles in the sand.